How I Patched a Neighbors Leaky Roof After Killing GIANT MUSHROOMS

Thanks for Voting on My "Copywriting Battle Book Part #1"

No Kidding. This is HOW HIGH the Mushrooms Were!

Photo by sheri silver on Unsplash

Dear Friend

So -- I was a bit Hungry when I Wrote This. And these Chocolate Brownies Looked Great.

Much Better than The Slimy Looking MUSHROOM Photos I Could have Chosen.

YUP. The Mushrooms were As High As The Stack of Brownies!

Last Fall --

A Neighbor knocked on my door and said, "I need your help. My roof is leaking."

I tried to Dissuade him from calling on me.

I Told him about my Grandfathers Tried and True method for patching roofs.

"Sorry. But the only patching Technique I've been trained in is some old license plates and a bucket of Roofing Tar.

You Slap the license plates over the hole. Then Slop tar around the edges.

"And Presto -- Chango -- No More Leak!"

But He insisted.

So I put my shoes on and walked over to his house.

"I See Your Problem," I Yelled. "You've got six inch tall mushrooms growing -- out of the shingles -- next to your chimney."

Herman said, "Can you fix it?"

I said, "Of Course. Stay here."

I rounded up a long pole. A roll of duct tape. And a Wire Brush.

Then I Asked Herman, "Ok. Where is this 40 foot aluminum ladder you Told me about?"

Herman says, "Over there behind the shed."

I go over and look.

Literally 1000's of ants are using his ladder as a highway. Weeds and vines are all over it. A low pine tree branch is in my face. But the Big Problem is the Wrist thick TREE Growing up between the rungs.

I Tell Herman in my ARNOLD Voice.

"I'LL BE BACK. Don't go away."

Walk home. Get my ax. Cut the Tree in half. Haul the ladder out. Herman is screwing around with his dogs. So I Drag the butt End over to the Foundation of the house. Raise it up to the RainGutter.

I tell Herman. "Stand on the bottom of the ladder. Do not move. And -- While I'm up here. You wanna Clean out the Raingutter?" Then I Wire Brush the 2 foot by 2 foot patch of mushrooms off his roof. And Tell Herman, "Now we let it dry in the sun."

Herman informs me, "We never Clean the gutters. The water runs off fine."

I am thinking, "Okey Dokey."

A Month goes by. I tell Herman I found some roof patch GOOP on amazon.com that has hundreds of testimonials. Smear it on and it lasts for Years and Years. Herman Gives me 22 Bucks.

Month 2 Goes by.

I ask Herman, "What's going on with your roof? Did it stop leaking?"

Herman, "No. Still leaking. I just put another bucket under the drip."

I am thinking -- "Ooooh Kay."

Finally I couldn't stand it. Asked, "Well. When do you want to have me come over and patch the hole? (***Herman thinks we should wait for a warm day.)

Later.

Much Later. Summer is over. The weather is getting "Nippy."

I tell Herman, "I'm coming over tomorrow if the weather is sunny. I don't wannna get on your roof when it snows."

I WEAPON UP -- Screw Driver, putty knife, Quart of Roof GOOP, Ladder.

On a Picnic table in the backyard I Take the top off the Goop. (I found a Quart of Glop with 500 Happy Roof Patching Testimonials. on Amazon.com )

Then I take my shiny new Plastic Putty knives out of the plastic Wrap.

A Gray cat comes strolling over. Starts Rolling on his back in a patch of dirt. Then the dogs rush me.

Fido Food Fiends

White Fang -- who is chest high to me -- Rushes over when he hears me Crinkle the Plastic Wrap.

Then The Rottweiler almost knocks me down.

I Talk to Them. "Go ahead. Try to Eat This Plastic Putty Knife. You Food Fiends." I tell them. While they Sniff The Plastic.

White Fang Wraps his leash around the picnic table. And my legs.

The rottweiler Breaks her collar. Herman Grabs her.

Then Untangles White Fang.

Gus, A Retired -- 80 yr old -- Bricklayer Neighbor is just driving by. Spots us and Drives into the Driveway.

Gus Declares, "If You Try to Patch the roof that way you are asking for DEATH!"

Gus Says, "Get me a pair of Binoculars. You Might not be patching the right spot."

Herman goes in the house to look for Binoculars.

Gus Says, "I'll go home and get my own pair.

So Gus Drives off.

White Fang -- Who has the Doggie IQ of a Rock. Wraps his leash 3 Times around the Picnic Table.

Again.

I go to the door and Yell into the house. "Get Out Here Herman. If You Hold the Ladder I can Be Finished Before Mr DEATH comes back."

Herman -- "I can't find my binoculars."

Well.

Shocking.

Anyway -- Turns out.

Mr Death Was Right About The Roof.

I had to Improvise to keep from sliding off.

The roof is so steep I am sliding off. So I Lay down on my side. Brace one foot on the ladder. And stretch my arms over my head. Spread Goop all over the section where the Mushroom forest was growing.

I Spread Glop with Mucho Speed. And Get it everywhere. Including my hands. I am sticking to everything.

In 10 Minutes I am Done.

And Descend back to the Ground.

Herman has been Talking to the dogs non-stop. Begging them not to run into the road and get run over. Every time the ladder Vibrates I imagine that Herman is off chasing his dogs. So I Repeatedly -- yell at Herman.

"Do Not Move off that Ladder Or I Will DIE!"

Gus comes back.

With his Binoculars.

Informs me that there is a big crack -- on the sunny side -- at the top of the chimney. The Brick expands and contracts and the cement falls out.

Gus Explains (That since Herman heats with Propane) the cheapest way to fix the Leak is to Wrap the entire Chimney in plastic.

Then cover it with a tarp.

This is a rather ELEGANT SOLUTION.

A Backup Plan.

While Gus and Herman talk. White Fang and the Rottweiler have run in circles around them. Tying them up in layers of yellow rope.

I roll my eyes. Brace the butt end of the ladder against the foundation. Lower the ladder back to the ground. Then put it away.

(EDITORS NOTE -- Do You Notice a Trend Here? I did. One Person is doing all the work.)

As I walk back towards the two -- I Over hear Gus Telling Herman, "He does seem to know what he is doing."

This is Incredible.

You are Reading about a MIRACLE.

Never in my life has MURPHY's LAW Worked in my favor.

But -- as I Write this at the end of a Rainy Winter -- The LEAK Has Stopped Dripping!

Thanks,

Glenn

P.S. -- Double Loop Writing. Steve Jobs.

Example: Apple -- Computer.

Get it?

When You Write Titles this way -- they SMACK the Reader Awake. The Two Words NORMALLY have nothing to do with each other.

SAME with my Headline:

"How I Patched a Roof -- Killed Giant Mushrooms."